Security Guard Jokes

Do you have any security guard jokes?

Security Guard Joke #1

A woman went to the airport for a flight to Omaha. She joined the long line at the security checkpoint for Concourse B, and waited. By the time she reached the head of the line, it was clear that she would miss her flight if it took off as scheduled.

The guard took a look at her ticket, and said, "I'm sorry. You've got a problem here."

"Yes," she sighed. "It looks like I won't make this flight to Omaha."

"No," the guard explained. "This is the line for missing the flight to Houston. The line for missing your flight to Omaha is at Concourse C."

Security Guard Joke #2

The thorough search of all her belongings -- and her person -- finally brought the woman to a boil. "This is absolutely astonishing! You might as well be raping me!"

"I don't think so, Ma'am," replied the FAA security guard. "The most we're allowed to do is a nice slow cavity search."

Security Guard Joke #3

The company president called the chief security guard into his office.

"Chuck, we've received a complaint from one of the employees that you are making obscene sexual comments and putting your hands where they don't belong. These unwanted advances will have to stop."

Chuck looked down at his feet and mumbled, "I'm sorry, Sir. I won't' do it again."

The company president said, "I'm sure Ms. Jones will be happy to hear that."

Chuck's face lit up. "Ms Jones?!!!! I was afraid that Bob in Accounting was complaining!!!!"

Security Guard Joke #4

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"

Security Guard Joke #5

Some tourists in the Denver Natural History Museum are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old those dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

Security Guard Joke #6

A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, so every morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate, it was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen.

Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspaper came through his gate. Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the paper only to find nothing.

Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper. "I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away." The guard let him pass, but decided to keep a close eye on him.

The next night it was the same, and the night after that. Week after week it went on. The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard's checkpoint. The guard would always check and find nothing.

Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for work only to find a message had been left for him telling him to report to his supervisor. He walked into the supervisor's office and before he could say a word, the boss said, "You're fired!"

"Fired?" he asked in total surprise. "Why? What did I do?"

"It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this plant and you have failed. So you're fired."

"Wait a minute, what do you mean failed. Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard."

"Oh, really," the boss answered. "Then how do you account for the fact that there are 365 wheelbarrows missing?"

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